Why bother to spend time learning Spanish or rebuilding my piano skills? Why bother to work on the various tasks on my to-do list? Why bother to clean, to repair, to sew, to read a book?
It was easier, last week, to spend my afternoons caught in a mindless and seemingly endless doom scroll on my iPad than it was to engage my brain. I actually found myself reading the political news at one point - and you know I've avoided that part of the paper since November 8th!
When I took a step back, it didn't take me long to uncover what was behind the spiral; there's a part of me that REALLY doesn't want to do radiation and hormone therapy. These things are scary! Chances are excellent my cancer will return one day anyway - why not let it just come back now? Why even try?
Um. Hold on a minute, girl.
Why create, in a world that's going to hell in a handbasket?
Because I want to be on the side of the Universe that creates senseless Beauty. The peonies in my backyard lasted less than a week - was their beauty diminished because it was short-lived? A sunset lasts less than an hour - are the colors less vivid because they quickly fade to night? Music fades from the world just moments after the notes are heard - is that a reason to never be part of creating the sound, to never attend a concert?
Are my hours of practice wasted because I will never be a concert pianist?
Yeah, everything I create will fall apart, and sooner rather than later. So what?
I don't know where Beauty goes after its time. But if I compare an afternoon spent doomscrolling against one creating and learning, I do know which will leave me in a better mental space at the end of the day, which will lead to a more restful night's sleep.
I know I will fall into the doom scroll trap again. But next time, I'll try to remember, sooner, that I can choose better ways to spend my precious days.
One step at a time.
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