In contrast to my surgery date, which I was eagerly anticipating by the time it arrived (EEWWW! Get it oouuutttt!), I have found myself looking at the calendar this week with a fair amount of dread.
On Wednesday, I will see both the oncologist, where I anticipate 'we' will finalize the endocrine treatment regimen I will be taking, and the radiation oncologist, where I will get measured and scanned and given some tiny dot tattoos in preparation for my treatment sessions which will start in two weeks or so.
This past week, for the first time in ages, I've found myself, time and again, diving down internet rabbit holes. I've spent hours each day doing ALL the NYT puzzles, then reading all the parts of the paper. A couple of times, I even found myself actually reading the political news of the day (which I haven't done since November 8). *sigh*
I stop. I ask myself, "is this really how you wanted to spend your time?"
And then I mindlessly keep scrolling.
Avoidance much?
I'm working to crawl back out of my hole; I am tired of all that nothingness. It makes the backs of my eyes hurt.
It helps that Kate is recovering well from her marathon surgery; things are healing up and she likes what she sees in the mirror. She is also tolerating the endocrine treatments well - they're not knocking her flat and her brain is still functional. This past weekend, when I talked to her, she sounded like herself for the first time since she found her lump last July. She is living proof that this, too, shall pass.
I tell myself I don't have to be strong. I don't have to stay positive. I can mope in the corner all I want as long as, when the time comes, I show up at those appointments.
One step. I just have to take one step.
This, I will do.
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