Priorities

I've been doing a better job managing my priorities - doing the things I want to do each day, as opposed to spending too many days falling down rabbit holes or trying to read the entire internet in case there will be questions about it on the test.

But I've noticed something about my activities in the past few weeks. Despite trying to consciously choose what I do, I tend to do first the things where I get a gold sticker once I've done them; the things tracked by my electronic devices.

I mean it's great if I'm going to fit everything in anyways, but on those days when something's got to give, I don't want to always cut out the non-electronic ones, which is what I've been doing.

I mean, does the little owl in DuoLingo REALLY care if I've broken my daily streak of studying? Will he be personally disappointed in me when I fall out of the Diamond League down to the Obsidian League because I didn't complete as many lessons as my arbitrarily chosen group of peers? I'm thinking probably not. 

And I'm going to be grateful I was wearing my Apple Watch if / when I take a fall, but I'm pretty sure it won't refuse to call 911 in a snit just because I didn't move enough to close my activity rings yesterday.

On the other hand, no one raises a cheer, electronic or otherwise, if I remember to practice piano. No one even knows if I manage to begin to tackle one of my long-procrastinated-on house projects. No boxes get checked if I complete a pen-and-ink drawing.

Now I've noticed what I've been doing, it's bugging me. Here I've been so proud of myself for beginning to find structure in my days. Now, it seems I need to go one step further. I'm going to begin to take a closer look at the structures I'm building. I want to make sure I'm working on the things I most want to work on, whatever those are, and not just the things that are screaming the loudest. 

Honestly, I'd think I'd have learned this lesson long ago, as I wended my way through the world of work, but I obviously need a refresher on the concept. I'll be out of town for a few days shortly and I'm going to cold-turkey all of my electronic winning streaks. If I let them lapse, I hope I'll be able to let go of the likes of Duo and his proddings to keep up my learning streak. I do want to keep learning, but I want it to be my choice to study (or not), not his.

It's time to Stop.  Breathe.  Relax!

Cancaversary #10

I woke up this morning.

Ten years ago, as I readied myself for surgery, I didn't dare think this far ahead. As I went to the hospital, and they put me under, I thought I was beginning the last stage of my life's journey. I thought my cancer would be the kind Libby got, the kind Mom had; the aggressive kind that never slows as it runs amok through your body, creating unbalance, systemic chaos and death.

I woke up this morning.

At first, as I was dealing with cancer and the aftermath of its treatment, I thought of the experience in entirely negative terms. I'd been having the time of my life in my camper van, and was NOT HAPPY to have the trip cut short. I hated the breast implants. I still miss my girls, saggy and unlovely as they were. That-damn-shot left me exhausted me in ways I can't describe. 

But still, I woke up each morning.

Time passed, and I began to feel better. Time passed, and people I loved died from cancer and other stuff. Time passed, and I realized the good I'd found in my bout with the disease. I remember (still) how loved I felt when going through the initial treatment; more people love me than I'd known. I see how my brush with death sharpened my awareness of the preciousness of each day. Cancer taught me cancer is not the enemy; death is not the enemy. The enemy is fear.

I woke up this morning!

I've learned to listen to my fears as they arise, to tell them I hear them, to tell them I am not going to let them rob me of any of my good days, to then move on. Because today is the only day I have, and I don't want to waste it fretting about fears, real or imagined. Each day, I try to have the best day I can have, anyways.

I woke up this morning.

There was sunshine today. I saw a robin. Spring will come. And, margarita truck willing, I'll be here to see it. Ten years in, the cancer docs have cut me loose. The cancer will probably come back at some future point, but for today, there is no evidence of disease. Ten years in, I am grateful to know, that while I will carry the scars on my body as a reminder of my trial for the rest of my life, the scars on my soul have largely healed. 

I woke up this morning. 
I am still here!

Snow Day

We got a lovely bit of snow last week, our first real good round for the winter; about six inches fell, with a minimal amount of ice underneath - as good it gets around here. I was following the weather Tuesday evening, and woke up Wednesday to a beautiful winter wonderland!

Snow day!

But, but, but... what good is a snow day when I wasn't planning on going anywhere anyways? *sigh* Retirement, thus far, has a way of taking all the fun out of an unexpected day off. I've been running a bit short on fun, so spent my morning coffee time looking pensively out the window at the snow coming down, and pondering my day. My usual routine beckoned tiredly, but had little appeal.

Hmmm... If I decided to ditch my todo list for the day - this thought had much greater appeal - how would I then spend my time? I certainly wasn't going to take the Mustang out for a spin! It didn't take long to decide - one of my favorite ways to waste a couple of days is to put together a jigsaw puzzle. Fortunately, like a good puzzler, I had one (or three) stashed away for just such an occasion. (You never know when you're going to need a good jigsaw puzzle...)

My mood immediately lifted. I cleared the table, got out a puzzle and set to work. This! This was a proper way to spend the morning. I sipped tea, worked on the puzzle, and watched out the window as the snow fell. Contentment reigned.

The snow stopped early in the afternoon, so I put on my coat and hiking boots, and went outside to shovel. It does occur to me that, one of these years, I will regret it if I spend 90 minutes clearing the driveway and sidewalks. Fortunately for my lower back, one of these years has not yet arrived, and while my muscles weren't exactly silent after the first thirty minutes, they quit complaining shortly after I finished and went back inside to warm up. It helped that it was light, fluffy snow; if it had been heavy, I might just have regretted pretending I am still young enough to shovel like that.

Once I came back in, I immediately got back to work on the puzzle. As always when I get started on one, the day flew by, and it was bedtime before I knew it. I didn't do too badly - I only just-one-more-piece-d it for an extra thirty minutes. Mostly because I knew (and this is where I show proper appreciation for the gift of time retirement has brought me) that I could pick up where I left off in the morning. With no one but me to care if I got back to my todo lists, or not, I was free to indulge in my addiction, and spent the next day and a half completing my masterwork. 

Now THAT is how one ought to properly observe a good snow day!