It's been a long time since the only energy in the house was my own. It's a big adjustment, I rather like it. But would I like it if (when!) mine was the only energy around for days on end? I've been thinking about retiring sooner rather than later - how will it be when I don't have the distraction of the office to pull me out of my nest?
Hmmmm... The last time I spent days and days in my own company, I also had the changing scenery through the windshield of the camper van to hold my interest. I had new people in the campground each night to watch. (People watching in campgrounds is an entertaining sport...)
While it's tempting to think I'll be happy curled up in a corner with my assorted projects and books for days on end, something tells me that, too, will get old. If I'm going to retire, and I am, I can see I'm going to have to spend some time coming up with ways to intentionally connect with people. Fortunately for my need for human contact, there are a lot of ways for me to connect where I live right now.
I can take art classes. I can sign up for yoga. I can volunteer to read to young children. I can walk in the park and watch for the black man with the beautiful smile who often happens to be walking in the opposite direction when I get out. I can reach out to my collection of friends for coffee, lunch and dinner dates.
This weekend has put an abrupt halt to any stray thoughts I might have had of getting myself a place in the country. (I've harbored this dream for years - to have a secluded place like my sister Libby's - where when you look out the window, there are no other houses or people; just deer and trees.) While part of me would love it, I'm afraid my natural tendency to turn inwards would lead to a destructive spiral. I'm afraid I'd end up being the crazy old cat lady with a shotgun at the ready, going into town only for vital sustenance and avoiding all eye contact when I did prod myself into making the trip.
Perhaps I'm jumping the gun here. How can I know what I'll want to do when my time is free when I've never tried it? Something is holding me back from trying to plan my how my days will look when my days are no longer planned by outside forces. Maybe that something is right. Maybe I need to sit in the empty space of some days before I can begin to know how to best fill those days.
Maybe instead of making choices about how I'm going to spend the days to come, I could come up with lists of options. That way, after I've turned in my key card and gotten past the first rush of celebration that I (again!) didn't have to set an alarm to haul me out of bed in the morning, I can look at the list and choose what I'd like to do that day - or looking at the list will spur me to choose something I hadn't thought of doing before (volunteering at the animal shelter?)
When I'm not afraid I'll hate spending time in my own company, I'm liking the liminal space where I've been spending my days. My world, it will be changing yet again - but this time, for the first time since I jumped into my camper van, I will be driving the change, not reacting to it. (I hope!) It's a good feeling, it carries a whiff of freedom on its breath. I liked being free last time I tried it, maybe... maybe... I'll get the chance to try it again.
Possibilities Are!
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