Retired, Still

Late October marked seven years since I was last gainfully employed. Hard for me to believe, but math tells me that's closing in on an eighth of my life. A whole section of pie chart!

The seven years between the year I had my first child, and the year she started second grade - those years have weight, still. I can remember moments, milestones, love and heartache. And that was decades ago! In contrast, these past seven years have flown by, and I find myself replaying scenes in my mind, trying to anchor myself in time and space. 

I'm not sure what I expected retirement to look like, but I know this isn't it.

I prepared for the change in my daily schedule by buying a pair of comfy pajama pants and a stack of books. What more could I have done? I figured once I got through the books, I'd get bored. I thought some inner voice would pipe up and point me to retirement nirvana. Instead, I got Covid lockdowns.

Welcome to reality.

I've never regretted quitting. I was tired of sitting and staring at screens all day, and that hasn't changed.

When I look back at the blur of time these past seven years created as they sped past, I find the fun and the hard parts so interwoven it's hard to separate the threads. 

I've traveled some, seen beautiful new places. I've woken without an alarm most days. I have time to linger over my morning coffee, and exercise whenever I want. I rush less often; I have time to stop and notice flowers. I've watched my grandbabies grow - Lexi is pretty darn close to being done! I look at screens when I want, don't when I don't, and rarely sit all day. I haven't run out of money just yet.

I've cried a lot - cancer and more cancer and saying goodbye to people I love. (There's a part of me that's still quite upset to know my precious pod of people are not exempt from aging, and are not living forever. Hmph!) I've lived with Covid isolation and re-entry into the world of social interaction and the problem of self-motivation when every day is Saturday.

It's been a whole eighteen months since life last knocked me off my feet. If it will leave me alone for just a bit longer, and I can figure out a way to keep fatigue from stealing my brain power and energy (small details, I know!), I think I just *might* have the ingredients I need to build me a sense of balance in my life.

I can hope.