Silly Girl

When I first talked to my medical team after confirming my cancer diagnosis, I was given a rough timeline. Surgery sometime in late April, radiation in June, hormone treatment somewhere in there, reconstructive surgery in September. (Treatable!) 

I found it reassuring to have a timeline for getting through the treatment, and blocked fun things into the treatment gaps. My initial surgery happened on schedule, all went well. I met with the radiation oncologist last week to talk about next steps, she reiterated that radiation would happen in June. Then her nurse called to schedule the radiation prep appointment which needs to happen two weeks before radiation can begin. 

"Mid-June work for you?"   **ARRGGGHHHH**

No, it couldn't happen before mid-June, all the slots were blocked. Nothing to be done, just part of being caught in the medical system.

What??? We've known this appointment needed to happen since early April. If there was going to be a problem getting me into the calendar, could we not have set up the appointment then, and moved it if there was a complication???

*sigh*   Too late now. What's (not) done is done.

Radiation will now happen in July. Lexi is also coming in July. 

Rumor has it most people don't have problems with radiation, but. Some people do. She's spent the last nine months watching her mom battle this same disease. I wanted to shield her from 'getting' to watch me hit a wall. 

*another sigh*   IF I hit that wall, we'll figure something out. (We. My people will help me.)

This also means reconstructive surgery needs to be moved - possibly to October, if not then, it'll be March.   **huge, heavy, sigh**

All because of sloppy scheduling.

As I was dropping off a box of food with my local food pantry, I was ranting about all the above to the lady who runs the mission; I've gotten to know and like her over the couple of years we've been interacting.

She said, speaking of herself, "Whenever I think I can control life, something happens. I stop and tell myself, 'Silly girl, thinking you could have controlled this. You know better. Life cannot be controlled.'"

I stopped. I laughed. She is absolutely right.

Every time my delusions of control are shattered, I hate it. I rant. I rave. I stew. Every time. 

Time to remind myself I do know the only thing I can control in my life is my reaction to what happens.

Silly girl.  

*she feels a wry smile on her face, then begins to take steps to adjust to what is and move on.*