Waiting, Hoping Anyways

It made logistical sense for me to stick to my original schedule and come home last week as planned, but you won't be surprised to hear I left a good portion of my heart in California, despite knowing Kate has good people there. She was able to schedule in all the recommended tests over last week and this, and is now waiting for the results to trickle in. 

Not much further planning can be done until she knows more about her cancer recurrence - all the things depend on how far it managed to spread before she found the lump. All that is known is that her path for the next year (and longer??) will not be an easy trek.

It seems somehow wrong for my life at home here to be so normal as I wait to hear the test results. I'm back to exercising, trying to get the weeds in the yard back under control. All my projects are right where I dropped them when I left town. I've been diligently picking up the threads and working to make progress on them.

There's a part of me that just wants to curl up and cry. Or shout and throw things. Or both. 

I am angry - she was doing so well!!! Cancer is SO UNFAIR!!!! 

I am sad - I don't want her to have to walk the cancer road again. 

I didn't want her to have to do it once, and it seems grossly unfair that she has to walk it again, especially since my cancer hasn't (as far as we know) resurfaced. I mean, aren't I supposed to go first, since I went first last time??? *sigh*

Back to the basics.

Today is the only day any of us have. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one, and the margarita truck has been known to strike without warning. Cancer is not punishment, everyone dies at some time of some thing.

Evil wins when I let fear stop me from living today.

So, I take the next step, and the next one. I am afraid to hope she caught her cancer early, but I hope anyways, because I can. I remember to look for Beauty, because every time I remember to look for it, I find it in my day.

And I remember the overarching lesson I learned from my own cancer journey - I am loved. 

And so is she. She has to walk this road, but she doesn't have to walk this road alone. She has a team, walking along the edge of the route and supporting her along the way. I, as part of the team, am supported and carried along by my own (overlapping) network of people. 

Love Is.