Not Yet

This past week, I've been mulling over how time has changed my approach to the space between. You know the one. The space between the time you take the all-important test and when you find out if you made the grade or, not. The space between the time your period is late and when you find out if you're pregnant or, not. The space between the time you find the lump and when you find out if it's a problem lump or, not. 

The space between, when you're waiting to find out if your life is going to change directions or, not. A Schrodinger's Cat sort of space; both things are true until you look and find that one is not.

When I was younger and found myself in the space between, the entire time I was there I'd endlessly fret over the truth I didn't want to be. I'd worry, make plan Bs, set my mind to accept failure, worry some more.

When I find myself there in recent years, while I still spend some time mulling over both truths, I spend most of my time working to stay in the moment. It hasn't happened, and I don't want to lose precious days to what is not yet and might not ever be. 

When I found the lump in my breast, it was early December. I hoped it was just a cyst (ignoring the fact I'd found zero cysts before then), but if my dream trip was going to get disrupted, I didn't want to know it just then - so I made my appointment for the first week in January.

I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I didn't want to mess up their holidays - or my own - by sharing my discovery and wallowing in worry. I consciously didn't dwell on what might be, though it, of course, was an undercurrent to my waking thoughts. In those days between, I remember the feeling of being suspended in time. It sharpened my vision. I took less for granted; treasuring the normality of the moments.

In retrospect, I'm glad I was able to maintain my denial (or whatever you want to call it). By waiting to face the moment until the moment arrived, I was able to enjoy several weeks of precious time between - Joe's graduation from college, the holiday season. And, there was still plenty of time to plan and fret and worry after the biopsy results came in, so I lost nothing by not shifting focus and direction until I had to.

Not Yet.