This past week, I was trying to convince myself to take advantage of the online sales. I'd get online, I'd browse, but I stopped before I hit the purchase button.
Why? Usually when I stop myself it's because I want to think over an impulse buy, but these were all more-or-less planned purchases; they were Christmas gifts.
As I was dropping off to sleep, pondering the question, I realized the answer - because somehow, my subconscious had decided that if I make commitments, even to UPS and FedEx, Libby will die before Christmas.
See if you can follow me here...
If I order stuff, it'll have to be delivered.
If Libby dies, I won't be here to accept the packages, because I'll be in Minnesota.
If I don't order stuff, I obviously don't have to worry about package delivery.
Which means I won't be in Minnesota when the packages (don't) arrive.
See? Obviously, not ordering packages is the key to keeping her around.
And I want her to stay around.
It's hard for me, giving up my illusions of control. But if ever there was a situation out of human control, this is it.
Libby still has some good hours in her days. Not as many as she did before, she spends a lot of time floating in the not-quite-here space created by her pain meds. (They are still working effectively, praise all that is Good.) She does pop out of the ether every now and again during the day to check in with terra firma, her mind and sense of humor are intact.
All my wishing, all my wanting, won't change a thing. She will live whatever days she has; we don't know the exact number, but we do know she doesn't have many days left. As aggressively as her cancer spreads, it will hit a vital something soon, and she will leave us to find out what lies around the bend. (She's most curious about it...)
My delusions of control bring no good to the situation - they affect her health not at all. However, if I don't become aware of them and tell them to take a hike, they WILL do an effective job of making sure I am not ready for Christmas when it gets here.
I got online yesterday and ordered the packages.
**sigh**
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