When the Storm Comes

Storms come into all lives.  Illness, accidents, poor choices, good choices gone bad.  Sometimes even when we've done everything right.  Sometimes, lightning strikes out of the clear sky.  Sometimes the morning is beautiful and we leave shelter and the storm catches us unaware and there we are, praying to find a haven where we will be safe until the storm passes.

The storms are terrifying, and rightly so.  They are fierce and so much larger than we could ever control.

But control is, at best, an illusion.  God Is and Evil Is and I remember again that all we can control in this world is our response to what happens to us. (to paraphrase Viktor Frankl.  again.).

Yesterday was harder for Kate than I can imagine - going in healthy, coming home heavy, bloated, sick to her stomach.  (The day was long.  The infusions were nausea-inducing.  Next time, she will remember to bring her noise-canceling headphones and some soothing music, so she doesn't have to listen to blaring televisions while also trying to cope with a headache and upset stomach.)

Yesterday was harder for me than I had anticipated.  And while it would have helped if I could have been there, it wouldn't have helped.  For I have confidence in the ability of her care circle to love and care for her and to be there.  But it's the part that can't be helped; the counterintuitive part - that making herself sick is the best bet that she will stay better - that roils my soul.

I feel so helpless; I can't fix it.

This storm is fierce and she is in the midst of it and I am much afraid.

so afraid.

but I CAN choose.

I can choose to look for the beauty in the storm.  

I can choose to trust her doctors, who are doing the best they can to keep the cancer at bay.

I can choose to trust that God Is, and to trust that Good is watching over her and will guide her through.

I can choose to remember that this, too, shall pass.