Happy Easter!

Alleluia! 

As happens more and more lately, especially around holidays, I am struck by the many versions of myself living within.

There is the child, thrilled by the chance to eat lots of candy and look for eggs and wear a pretty spring dress. The church songs on Easter were happy ones - they tried to kill Jesus, but it didn't work, and he came back to show us "The Way To The Father".

There is the teenager and college student, going to church mostly out of habit, buying my own chocolate rabbit and jelly beans. I found the ritual of mass comforting, echoes of a time when I trusted the world to take care of me.

There is the young mother, working to pass the story of death and resurrection to her children, right there along with the eggs and the chocolate and the Easter Bunny; the happy mass and the pretty clothing.

There is choir-member me, immersed in the beauty of the Triduum - the three long services commemorating the Passion of Christ. The music lingers in my soul. On Holy Thursday, Jesus implores God to let this cup pass from him; asking his people to stay with him to pray. On Good Friday, stark and barren, death and darkness loom - Jesus is broken on the cross. On Holy Saturday, we sing songs telling us death is not the end. Jesus has risen, triumphant!

I heard echoes of these three days a lot last year, as I traveled again down cancer's scary road.

There is post-camper van me. The version of me who believes the arc of the story, but not the literal words. There are days when I miss the certainty of my childhood faith. I wish I could lean on it as I once did, trusting in The Way.

And.

The current version of me knows only that there is much I don't know, and a few things I do.

I know last year would have been SO much harder without my people. I know that sometimes, for some people; this time, for me; death and darkness back away and we are given more todays to live. I know that sometimes, for some people, death comes and they go ...  away. Their leaving leaves holes in the fabric of my life.

I know when spring comes, and the flowers come back to grace my garden, the leaves to feed the trees, my heart believes in resurrection and redemption; in the chance to grow anew.

Alleluia!