Turning Within

I want to be a tree.

I want to be able to shed my leaves, withdraw to my inner core, trust the outer world to take care of itself for a bit, and sleep until the longer warmer days of spring cause me to stir.

Morning has been a hard sell these past few weeks. "Are you SURE I have to get up? It's still dark out. And, it's cold. Did you notice it's cold out there? Tell me again why I need to stir?"

The national news hasn't helped. We've done WHAT? To WHO? And WHY???? Really????

I've gotten more practice than I'd like at holding conflicting truths.

I am afraid. The national news is dark, still and again. And. Outside my window there is beauty, and the trees are calling to me. Both are true.

I like walking around in the winter, looking at the bare branches of the trees. Without their covering of leaves, I can more easily see their squiggles and turns. I note the bare spots where branches have been lost. I marvel at the way they grow up and around the scars. I wonder how some of them can still be alive, their cores partially hollowed out by time.

Sometimes, I stop to lean against one of their trunks. Even in the winter, I swear I can feel the sap moving. Slowly, with deliberation, but moving. "Rest", the tree tells me. "This season is for rest, for turning inwards." 

I've been listening.

I spent some time last week with a series of questions guiding a reflection around the events of the year just past. List ten good things that happened, five bad. Three game changers, three areas where I spent my time, three things I forgot to do.

I've done the meditation the past several years running - the answers to the questions framing my experiences of the year just past help me form a vision of how I hope to spend my time in the coming year. What can I change so I will have the time to do those things I had wanted to do, but didn't get around to doing? Is it 'just' lack of time holding me back, or am I avoiding the thing because something something? Or did something unexpected, like, say, recurring cancer, upset the whole apple cart?

The meditation helps refocus my energies. Time is the currency of my days. Am I spending my minutes today - this day, the only day I have - the way I want them spent? When I climb into bed and look back at my day, will I be able to say, "Yes! I lived this day well."? 

I hope, this year, I will often be able to say, "yes".