Running in Circles

When in trouble, 
When in doubt,
Run in circles, 
Scream and shout!

This old refrain has often been popping to mind this past week.

You see, while on one level I've been busy nesting, another part of me was in denial about the whole surgery thing - I was afraid it wasn't going to happen because I couldn't get healthy.

To summarize, the radiation gave me extensive burns. As those cleared up, I developed a case of cellulitis. Antibiotics cleared up that issue, but left me susceptible to fungal infections, and I developed a persistent ringworm infection, all over my keister. (Who ever heard of athlete's butt???) As advised, I tried to fix it with over-the-counter lotions for a good month, but I was playing whack-a-mole. It would clear in one spot and pop up in another. I finally got on oral medication two weeks ago. 

The meds seemed to be working, things were about clear, then a whole bunch more red spots showed up. Arrgh! In a panic, I called my dermatologist, and they were able to fit me in later that afternoon with the Nurse Practitioner. She listened carefully to my tale of woe, took a close look at the spots, then, puzzled, said, "there's no fungal infection here. This is eczema."

I had been doing the belt and suspenders things, still using the lotions while taking the meds. Turns out, once the fungus load dropped below whatever level, the lotions started to irritate rather than cure. Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy.

I was SO relieved. They won't do surgery if you have a fungal infection, but they don't care about eczema.

It's been an emotion-filled week. 

Another of my good friends has packed up her life here and headed back to her hometown. I heard one of my younger cousins is in hospice care. Another close friend's mother died unexpectedly. So many goodbyes. Goodbyes are HARD!

And. 

A friend's husband came over yesterday and spent much of the day building a rock ring around my tree, so I can put mulch down. People have been calling - "surgery is coming soon. How can I help?" I followed the dermatologist's instructions, and the eczema is almost cleared up. I was finally able to get in to see my massage therapist, and she took my locked up shoulder personally - an hour of hard work later, it now moves much more normally.

The wrenching and the heartwarming, interwoven with the ordinary moments of my week.

I've been working to hold to both truths. Life is hard and life is beautiful, all at the same time.

"But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars"

- Martin Luther King, Jr.