Garumph!!

They don't list grumpiness as a side effect of radiation treatment, but if my mood this past week is any indication, they should.

As the last of my burns began to heal up last week, the part of my skin which was last to be treated quit getting better, and turned red, warm, mushy, angry. I didn't expect much from the radiation team when I reported the change, but to my surprise, they had me come in the next day.

Turned out to be cellulitis. A bacterial infection.

I have (!!had!!) managed to make it over sixty years without needing antibiotics. I am sad and angry that radiation has broken my streak. I'm not going to get a second chance to equal it. The math doesn't work. *sigh*

The good news part is that if one has not taken antibiotics before they tend to be very effective, and this has proven to be the case with me. Within 48 hours the redness was fading, five days later, the skin was better, the swelling almost gone. 

I feel as if there are two of me running around in my body. 

One of me is glad to be healing; grateful for the intervention of modern medicine. These things which have hurt me are short term. When I get past this hump, they will have given me my best chance to have more good days. No small blessing.

The other me is grumpy and tired. Fatigue - whether it's from radiation or the aromatase inhibitor - is once again my frequent companion. I LIKED not being tired all the time, not having to push through a wall of fatigue to get things done, occasionally waking up feeling rested. 

Like last time I was here, the sad part is that naps don't necessarily help. Sometimes they do, but sometimes I just lie down and stare blankly at the wall, and sometimes I fall so deeply asleep I mess up my sleep at night. I haven't yet figured out where the balance lies, but I'm working on it. 

That said, gratitude is winning the tug-of-war. 

I'm tired, but I'm also not trying to fit in a full day's work. No small thing. 

My one daily commitment to myself is exercise. Because I know I will be less tired when I leave my daily session than when I arrive, it's not too hard to talk me into ignoring the fatigue long enough to get to the gym and get started. 

Beyond that, I peer closely into my energy bucket at the start of the day, and see how much is there. Fortunately, so far, there's always been enough to work on the things I really wanted/needed to get done. One step at a time.

When I was walking Sylvester around the park Sunday morning, I looked up and was surprised to see a rainbow arcing through the sky. A sign of hope.

Grumpy or not, Beauty Is.