Kate's surgery was last Friday afternoon. The first part went well - they were able to get the lump in her armpit out with clear margins and no difficulty. Her implant also came out cleanly, but then they started digging into ol' spiky; the mass that had been hiding behind the implant.
Although I'm told the surgeon was pleased with the final results, I'm not sure in what context that should be taken. I'm guessing it was that she was successfully able to plug up the holes in the two ribs she had to cut into to get the tumor out, because at the end of the long evening, she removed the biggest parts of the mass, then had to call it quits. Kate's chest wall was too compromised to dig further even though they still hadn't gotten clear margins. Because of the extensive cutting, they were also unable to insert a new expander - which means reconstruction will require a lot of creative effort.
(Beyond radiation, which was a given, clear margins or not, I haven't yet heard what treatments they will use to follow up now she's made it through surgery. I'm guessing they'll wait to decide until they get the detailed pathology back on the tumor, which will take a bit.)
Lexi and I ventured in to see her on Saturday. (She's not been alone there - Edwin, her partner, has been a rock.) She looked OK when we got there, but then took a sip of water. As soon as it hit her stomach, you could see the nausea rise, which made her cough, which made her pain levels spike.
We didn't stay long - she'd gotten to see her baby, I got to see mine is still breathing - because what she needs most of all is to rest and get better, not to stay awake to talk.
She's made incremental improvements since then. They took out her chest drain yesterday, which instantly helped with her ability to keep her pain under control. She was able to eat most of a popsicle last night and keep it down. I'm hoping she'll be well enough to come home tomorrow.
I've been doing what I can to keep Lexi's life on an even keel, helping her get to and from her daily activities.
I've been in an odd state of denial. My head and heart don't want to believe Kate is hurting so badly, and since she's not here at home, I find myself acting as if she were just off on a trip - that she'll come back soon, safe and sound.
Then the image of her in the hospital, pale and hurting, comes to mind, and I cry for a minute, trying to feel my feelings instead denying they exist and stomping them down. Then, I stop and breathe.
I remind myself of my hard-learned lessons and resolve once again to not let fear run roughshod over my day.
I can breathe.
I can Be. Here. Now.
I can rest for a moment in the beauty and lean on the love which has been SO in abundance already during this trial.
I will not let fear win. Not today.
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