More Hard News

For Kate, these last three weeks have been an exercise in patience and scheduling as she both tried to maintain some semblance of presence at work, and show up for the many diagnostic tests needed to determine what it will take to stop the spread of her cancer.

Last week, with all but one test result in, they still thought this would be a relatively simple surgery, outpatient even. Remove the implant, cut out the lumps, close up the cut.

I heaved a sigh of relief. Too soon.

The results of that last scan show the second spot is a spiky blob growing behind her implant, where it had eluded detection by other means. It's between her chest wall and her lung, has wrapped itself around one of her ribs.

Yikes!

Surgery is on temporary hold while they find a thoracic surgeon to add to the surgery team.

Until surgery is done, we won't know any more about the makeup of the blob - the medical team isn't able to sneak their biopsy needles past the implant.

I am so afraid.

I didn't sleep much the night after she called, but then my hard-learned lessons from this past decade bubbled to the surface.

I'm now in 

"Eeewww! Get it OUT!", 
Good Is, 
Remember to Trust, 
Take one more step anyways, 
Be Here Now 

mode.

It still sucks, but I refuse to let fear and despair steal my days.

I've found myself grateful for the small lump of cancer; the one she found that started this whole train rolling. If not for that piece, the larger mass would have grown and spread and... I don't let myself go there. 

I'm starting to put my ducks in order so I can go on out to help her recover from surgery, whenever it's going to be. (I am so grateful my schedule is flexible.) Working on doing the breathing thing.

One step at a time.