Growing

It's been two years since I got a starter from one of my daughter-in-law's succulents. I brought the bit of green home, stuck it in some dirt, and there it's been, ever since.

I've watered it faithfully, and it never turned brown, but it never grew, either. It sat quietly in its pot, neither growing nor dying, but just waiting. I can relate.

This past week, when I went to water it, I noticed something new about my quiet friend - there was a swelling at the top! After all this time, the plant has decided conditions are right to take a chance and to grow.

It still doesn't look like much, just a little bump of fresh green growth perched on top of the branch in the dirt, but it's there. Again, I can relate.

With the coming of spring, something inside has eased, and I have left the liminal space where I'd been lingering for the last two years.

I must admit, I'm a bit puzzled. My life doesn't look any different. I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. The difference is that this year, with the coming of spring, I no longer care that I don't know. Why the change, I'm not sure.

I've been waking up a little earlier, as I've wanted to do since retiring. Better, when I wake up, I don't have to have a 45 minute argument with myself about why I need to get out of bed. (I was beyond tired of arguing with me every morning...) There are no more foot-dragging I-don't-wanna-you-can't-make-me discussions. Rather, I open my eyes, spend a few minutes shaking off my dreams and orienting myself to the waking world, and get out of bed. I was beginning to think the concept was beyond me!

I no longer consistently run out of energy just before dinner. Turns out I can get a lot more done in a day if I can do some of it after 6 PM, so I've started to make progress on some projects. I have more interest in moving on; in figuring out options for things to do beyond my four walls. I've been reaching out to friends, reconnecting over lunch or dinner or coffee. 

Things are still messy as ever in the larger world. COVID has started its surge-of-the-month, and the drumbeats of war sound loud on the horizon. But within, something has healed, and I am beginning to grow anyways.

I feel a little - is guilty the right word? - for finding a sense of peace when there is so much upset in the larger world, but at the same time, I feel relief. 

Tomorrow will bring what it will, but I am able to enjoy today anyways.

It's a nice feeling.