Control?

 

I've long tried to follow this bit (along with several other gems), of advice from Victor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning":

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation."

Given the givens of the upheavals in the world, the advice seems particularly on-point these days, and his words have been surfacing in my musings quite often.

Some of my thoughts have been circling back to recall how my interpretation of his words has evolved over the years.

Back in the day, when I first read these words, I took the word 'control' in an almost physical sense. When I reacted in a way I didn't like, I'd sweep up the offending reaction, open the metaphorical dustbin lid, stuff it in and slam the lid down, hoping said reaction would stay properly tucked away.

There was a lot of judgement in my response, lots of shoulds, and should nots. Shoving things away helped me in the moment, but over time, it always seemed like that dustbin lid would pop back open, and my reactions would overflow onto the floor, making quite the mess.

I've reached a new (though hopefully not the last) stage in my learning these days.

Rather than just stuffing the parts of my reaction I don't like away, I work to break them down some. I try to step back, and just notice, withholding judgement as best I am able. (This works better in some situations than it does in others, I gotta admit...) 

I try to understand why I reacted as I did. I take note of which pieces of my reaction I found helpful, which parts not so much. Then, I try to remember the understanding, so I can retrieve it the next time I'm in a similar situation.

Reacting less often in the ways which no longer serve me, trying to tilt the balance to the ways which serve me better, these have helped me in ways stuffing the dustbin never could. It kind of looks the same on the outside - my external behavior changes - but the real change is visible only to myself.

I am kinder to me, give me the benefit of the doubt more often, treat my bruised and lonely soul with a little more grace. Because of this, I am happier. 

Turns out that I can strive to have better relationships with the people in my life at the SAME TIME I'm striving to have a better relationship with myself. Turns out, the two aren't mutually exclusive. 

Good to know.