Letting Go

It's becoming clear to me that if I really want to leave this liminal bridge I've been hanging out on for the last couple of years, I'm going to have to learn how to let go.

I've been working on it. I've managed to let go of a few things. You can tell which ones they are by the claw marks*. 

I laugh, but it's true. I'm beginning to see, to move forward, I'm going to have to revisit some of my ideas about the ways my life holds value; to let go of the parts that no longer fit.

When I was working, it was easy to believe my day-to-day work mattered; that, by extension, I mattered.  I was good at my work, and got a lot of positive feedback when I successfully completed yet another project. The notion of value was reinforced by regular deposits of money into my bank account. In a world where money = value, I could easily believe I'd done good.

After I retired, my work on the castle reinforced this notion. The coin there wasn't money, but I could see LOTS of concrete progress on the projects I did there, and it was easy to convince myself the house itself was grateful to be cared for once again.

These days, I look at my to-do lists and am struck time and time again by the realization that no one but me cares if most of the things on them ever get done. I complete a project, and ... ... crickets. How do I convince myself my work still has value when no one cares? And if it has no value, why bother to do it?

I am working to regain some ability to play the piano, but why? I'm not willing to play in public.

I am working to learn to create art, but why? I don't fool myself into thinking I'll have any great commercial success as an artist.

I am working to relearn Spanish, but why? Even if I manage to gain a bit of basic fluency, when will I use it? The only person I know who speaks Spanish is my housekeeper, and she speaks to me in English.

I diligently work to solve the crossword puzzle each day, but.... wait.  This one, I know why. It's because I can; I need no further motivation. (My current streak is at 240 days - yeah! I'm good!)

I'm beginning to grasp the importance of (again) getting beyond the notion that my activities need some sort of external validation to give them value. I want to remember that, here and now in my life, if the things I do engage my brain and bring me joy, that is value enough. I may MISS the atta-girls, but I'm pretty sure I don't NEED them. The activities matter because they matter to me. Time to let go of the rest.

I'll work on it.

*I wish I could give proper credit where credit is due for this sentence. Someone in a meeting this weekend said it - they were quoting a teacher of theirs named Madonna. No, I don't know Madonna's last name...