Happy Birthday????

I have one of those odometer birthdays coming up soon, and I've been puzzled by my feelings around it. For years, I've thoroughly enjoyed marking another year completed. It's solid proof I'm still alive and greeting the morning. 

This one has been different. I've been avoiding thinking about it; haven't wanted to celebrate in any way, shape, or form. It wasn't until I was talking to Kate this morning that I figured out why. It's because I'm being greedy.

There was a point in my life when I'd have been happy enough to reach my last days. I'd seen enough, done enough. I was weary and didn't look forward to trudging through the gray sameness of the days to come.

All that has changed. I've rediscovered many hidden pockets of good things and I want to experience them all. I want to see all of the beauty and to learn all of the things. I want to listen to the music and to dance and to write and to make art and to travel and to stop and to just be.

I keenly feel the fact that my days are numbered, and I think the number is too small. I mean, sixty doesn't necessarily mean I've reached my last days, but it's a definite indication I'm past the noon of my life and am well on my way to approaching sunset.

I want desperately to hold onto the days, all the moments I have left. I want to hold the good ones close in my arms and keep them forever. Unfortunately, the tighter I hold, the more pieces that fall beyond my reach. When I try to shift to recapture them, I lose grip of the entire unwieldy load, and the entire thing crashes to the floor and makes a huge mess. Greed does that. 

When I am afraid of losing my grip, I sometimes focus so closely on the holding on part that I lose my chance to enjoy the moment I'm trying to capture. That's truly sad.

The realization that fear (disguised as greed) is at the root of my ambivalence helps a lot. Once I know it is fear shaping my reaction to the day, I know to call its bluff. Libby and I decided fear is the greatest obstacle between us and our ability to enjoy the days we have, and I think we were onto something.

So, I'm stopping to take a deep breath. In. Out. 

Working together, my lungs and heart {a miracle happens here} infuse the cells of my blood with the fresh essence of life and send it on down the road to my fingertips and toes, where {another miracle happens here} life is traded for depleted waste which is brought back to center, where it's traded out and the cycle begins anew. And the whole thing usually happens without any conscious help from me. Amazing, eh?

Everyday miracles. But holding on to the breath doesn't help; it just prevents the miracles from happening. They only happen when I let go.

And so I will (again) try to apply this lesson to my moments. Let go of fear; it doesn't help anything. Don't try to number the moments, don't crush their beauty by futilely trying to hold them tight. Rather, enjoy them as they arise, one after another after another after another. 

And when the day comes when the moments stop, well, that's when, in the heart of me that believes beyond reason, I hope I'll get to visit the stars. 

Happy Birthday, to me!