Painting the House

This retirement has not started out restfully.

One of my goals for this year was to get the house painted. But since much of my summer project time ended up taken by the unanticipated wall repair project, the painting got pushed to fall. No problem, I thought. Plenty of time after I retire in mid-September, I thought.

But then my retirement date was pushed back and pushed back a little more, all for good reasons. So, last week, once I no longer had to work, I was up on a ladder for six hours every day, in a race against winter to finish the job. (the weather around here turns too cold to paint sometime in late October or early November.)

By working evenings and weekends, I'd managed to complete the front before I retired. It's the hardest part of the job, involving the scariest ladder climbs and lots of 'fuss work'; main body, shutters, trim, and door all in different colors. But the rest of the house awaited.

While I wouldn't want to do it as a full-time job, I don't mind painting. Part of my mind is a nervous mix of all the emotions - happy and hard - Retirement II brings with it. Nothing to help one mull things over like a brush, a bucket of paint and a wall. The work takes just enough focus - breathing with the brush strokes on the fine edge work, making sure to get enough, but not too much, paint on the brush - that it keeps me from being bored, but leaves my mind free to wander. Kind of a productive meditative state - I can get into the zen of painting.

As I worked, I decided it's not my inner two year-old that I need to get in touch with this time around. It's my inner perfectionistic mean girl. She was on a tear. Wouldn't take any excuses for not being out there painting when at all possible. She's a familiar part of me. With time, I've learned how to bring some balance back to my life when she gets her teeth into something - she CAN be reasoned with. kind of.

But then, since I was out there in my zen state and all, I went a little deeper. Why is she so driven, so harsh? What's underneath her conviction that I must do it all, and do it all right, and do it right now? As I painted and mulled, I wasn't surprised to find fear driving the boat. It's magical thinking. If I do 'this' job just right, then everything else will be OK.

Ah. She is afraid that if she is not perfect, she is (I am) not worth loving.

This is a familiar refrain; I don't know why I'm always surprised when it resurfaces. Fortunately, once I was in touch with the underlying emotion, I was able to slow down a bit. Even if I don't finish before winter, I will be OK, the house will not fall apart.

Reason tells me chances are good I will have enough good weather to finish the painting before the real cold hits. It helps that I will have ALL the days free. Unlike when I have a job to attend to, I don't have to wait for the magic combination of warm weather and weekend day. When it's warm enough, I'll be able to get out there and get it done, even if that day happens to be a Tuesday.

If I don't finish?  I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. I'm close enough to being done that it's unlikely I won't be able to finish the job, especially with the help of good paint that can be applied any time the temp is over 45 degrees. (that part helps a lot.)

In the meantime, I'll compromise with her. I'll work MANY of the days, but not all of them. I'm going to start to take some time to relax and to 'waste' time on non-productive pursuits, just because I can.

I could get used to the freedom of getting to choose how to spend my days. (yeah!!!!)