Thursday, April 12, 2012
Work, Sleep, Repeat.
That's about all I do these days.
I guess I'm pushing it just a bit, but I don't know how else to build my endurance, except to find the edges of my energy and give them a little nudge.
Work leaves leave me tired. I'm back to it full time. After work, I figure I'm good if I make it home and manage to eat a more-or-less healthy dinner before I collapse on my comfy chair and pretend to read until bedtime. (No books that actually require thought allowed; my mind is generally mush by that time of day.)
I don't mind the tired so much. It keeps me from dwelling on the abrupt turn my plans have made. It's not that I hate where I am. It's just that I was having so much fun where I was. (she writes, wistfully...)
I'm still not reconciled to the reality that my breasts are gone and are not coming back. I don't care for the breast reconstruction process at all.
I guess, in my mind, that since the rest of me feels almost back to normal, my chest should, too. Never mind that I still have a month or two of every-other-week visits to the doctor to get the expanders filled to where I have something sorta resembling my old chest back. The hoopla is done, I don't have to do chemo; I think this other part should be instantaneous.
At least, I think that until I actually get the pseudo-girls pumped up a bit. Then I think we should just take our time on this fill business. The doctor tells me this is where my being in shape works against me - if my muscles weren't so well developed, they wouldn't mind stretching as much. As it is, my muscles object and jump and twitch after he injects the additional solution. I've been taking valium to help me get through the first evening after the injections. It helps the muscles relax, and if there's some tension left, well, I don't care.
I'm still coping with my side-effects. The rubber-band sensation is alive and well, though I have found it goes away some if I wear a jog bra all day. (Since the bras are tight and a bit restricting, I don't notice the front part binding so much because my back is bound up, too.) And, I still don't have full range of motion back on my right arm. I saw a physical therapist last week; she showed me how to stretch the remaining cords. I've been following her instructions, and they do seem to be helping.
One day at a time, I'm getting there....