Saturday, March 24, 2012

Two of Me?

Loose Park, Kansas City
I feel as though there are two of me these days.

One of me is a go-getter.  Getting up for work, figuring out the new job, picking out a new car, going for walks when I can.

The other one of me is wandering in circles, dazed and confused, wondering, "what hit me, how did I get here, and what does the other guy look like?"

Getting back into the swing of work this past week was exhausting.  I am glad I was only working half-days - as it was, all I did was work, come home, and collapse.  That said, I think I will like it at the school.  My co-workers are nice, and bureaucracy is almost nil.  Actually, I am the bureaucracy - part of what I need to do there is add some sort of inventory control and procedures.  (I like it better when it's me adding the layer of work - I don't annoy me near as much as those people in the server control group at my last job did.  And if I ever find myself telling someone they're not allowed to do their job, I hope someone will do the merciful thing and fire me...)

And, I got to be a teacher-type.  Two of the students were engaging in a bit of PDA in the hallway when I walked by.  So, I slowed my walk, and looked at them; didn't say a word, just looked.  They saw me, and parted just a bit, so I continued to the stair landing, where I stopped and looked at them until they separated to go to their next classes.  On the outside, I was giving them my mom look, level one.  Inside, I was laughing.  What they were doing was far more innocent than the lip-locks I enjoyed in the hallways my senior year of high school.  But, of course, they didn't know that.

The other part of me is still wondering how my big adventure landed me just ten minutes from where I started, six months before I planned to be there.  What happened to running off with the rich guy that I met in Bali, ala Eat, Pray and Love?  I am struggling to find the meaning behind it all, and to sort out my new direction.

I believe the cancer part of this was not part of anyone's plan for me - it just happened.  On the other hand, the apartment, which is perfect for me, and the job, which will stretch my people skills and help me grow - these have more of the feel of Someone's Plan B.

So, what do I do with all of this?  I'm just now starting to try to sort it all out.

My chest is totally weirding me out these days.  I allow it to come into contact with as little as possible; I especially avoid carrying anything that needs to rest against my torso.  It doesn't hurt anymore, it just feels WEIRD.  The nerve endings are confused, and while there is sensation, it's like nothing I've ever felt before in my life.    eeewwwww! 

I got my first injection of pump-em-up yesterday afternoon.  My muscles didn't like it AT ALL.  They felt like a tight rubber band stretched across my chest, restricting my breathing, so I took a muscle relaxant (aka Valium) when I got home.  I think the drugs are what brought me my first really restful night's sleep since I got home from the hospital.  ("Don't worry, be happy" is their theme song.)  I woke this morning feeling almost normal.

That's one!


  1. Janice, I was talking about you yesterday - without using names or identifying characteristics, of course. I also believe your new life (apt & job) are perfect for you. Maybe a little compensation for your pain? It pleases me to think that way generally. Today as I filed off my ridged and splintering fingernails again, I was grateful you didn't have to suffer chemo and radiation on top of all this. Thank God's goodness for early detection.

  2. Oh yea, and as I was reading your blog today, I was very thankful that I didn't have to (or at least avoided) the replacement stuff. Not fun.