Sunday, April 7, 2013
But only say the word, and I shall be healed."
The prayer is part of the Catholic Mass, said just before communion.
I've always believed the first line, but have had more problems with the second. My sense of unworthiness has been helped along by a voice from somewhere in the past telling me that I must be good enough, or God wouldn't say the word, and I'd remain unhealed. (unspoken is that part that I couldn't hope to be good enough.)
I am not worthy. not worthy. not. worthy...
This past week, too tired to do anything productive, I was trolling TED talks (my way of watching TV, I guess...). I came across Brene Brown, talking about the connection between vulnerability and our ability to empathize and to love. In her speech, she talks about a trait that whole-hearted people have in common: they believe they are worthy.
I tried it on for size.
I am worthy.
It felt odd. like I was boasting, full of myself, thinking I was better than I am, egotistical - a litany of comments from the past, all designed at the time to keep me in my place.
I tried again.
I am worthy. I have worth. I am worthy.
It still felt odd. But, somewhere down inside of me, a small voice piped up. "Really? I am? There is hope and love and salvation for me? Even though I am not good enough?"
I'm going to keep trying it on.
I am worthy.
I am worth loving.